Waffles.

Oh, what's that you say?  June 4th is National Donut Day? Oh, HELL no.  I say it's time to give props to Man's REAL Best Friend: WAFFLES.

LISTEN TO THE WAFFLE RAP, LIVE!

There is only one food in this world whose main concern is you,
A crazy little treat that loves you through and through.

You can get ‘em in a circle, you can get ‘em in a square,

Waffles are the only food who genuinely care.

Waffles will be there for you, when you need support,
Waffles will represent you when you have your day in court.
Filing for bankruptcy? Going through divorce?

The Law Office of Waffles will get what’s rightfully yours, of course.

Waffles want what’s best for you, turn to them in times of pain.
It’s okay to eat your feelings, Waffles LIKES your new weight gain!
Look at Kirstie Alley, she could’ve turned to beers,
Instead she turned to Waffles when the network cancelled Cheers.


Lots of people look to Waffles during rough times in their life,
Larry King sought Waffle counseling after leaving his 8th wife.
Pink Floyd relied on Waffles to help them write “The Wall”,
Britney Spears once ate some Waffles in a public bathroom stall.


But let’s not get too crazy here, Waffles aren’t magic,
They’ll lend a helping hand to you when life seems really tragic,
But if you’re hit by a car because you crossed the street while reading?
DO NOT USE A WAFFLE TO TRY AND STOP THE BLEEDING.


Nothing against donuts folks,
They’re okay I guess,
But even Pancakes cannot front on this:
WAFFLES ARE THE BEST!

A Song For When Phil Collins Dies.

He may look healthy now, but nobody lives forever, and when Phil Collins dies, I'd like to be prepared.

LISTEN TO THE DEAD PHIL SONG, LIVE!!!

January 30th, nineteen fifty one,

The life of the greatest singer, has finally begun. No I’m not talking about Elvis, Keith Sweat, or Henry Rollins. I speak of his bald majesty, the late great Philip Collins.  But now his life has ended, and if you ever feel alone, imagine meeting him at the Crossroads, with Harmony, Thugs, and Bone.

Of course he wasn’t perfect, he made big mistakes you know, like watching a man commit murder, then giving him tickets to his show.  Or that time he killed a hooker, after drinking 15 beers, and forbidding Mike + the Mechanics from seeing their father, in the living years. (And now he’s DEAD. THEIR FATHER IS DEAD!)

How could we just let him walk away? Just let him leave without a trace?  The Land of Confusion video now has one less creepy face.  WHY DID GOD TAKE PHIL, YOU GUYS??! And not Cher or Danny Glover?  I guess the world will have to learn to live, with one less Easy Lover.

Sussusudio, bitches.

Use Protection, Bitches.

In this time of giving thanks, my wise friend Rachael Ziminsky suggested I flex my philanthropic muscle, give back to the community, and provide people with a rap that is informational, didactic, and can not be stolen from the Indians by big selfish Puritan Separatist jerks.  Hmmmph!

LISTEN TO THE SAFETY RAP, LIVE!

Now this is a rap to make you aware,
There are more than just a few big dangers out there.

Just when you think you’re as safe as can be

You step off a cliff and it’s R.I.P.

Now a safety harness is a surefire way

To keep you alive almost every day.

Just as you find yourself falling through space,
Your harness screams: “HEY GRAVITY, IN YO FACE!”

So maybe you’re a mess and you’re falling on the regs,
You'll want the Full Body Harness with the Grommetted Legs.
But maybe you’re cautious, barely falling down,
I’d recommend the flex harness, perhaps in chestnut brown?  BREAK IT DOWN…..


B.A. Baracus wore a harness to work.
Steve Martin wore a harness while filming the Jerk.
Don’t feel like rocking your harness on the street?
If Rodney King wore his harness then he wouldn’ta got BEAT.  (Not true, not true....)

There is one main component that I think you oughta know,
It’s gonna save your ass from falling on the flo’,
The thing that makes your harness your ultimate protector,
Is the motherfucking steel, ANCHORAGE CONNECTOR!

Now put these together, and that’s really all it takes,
To keep you alive, regardless of the stakes.
Now that I'm done rapping I can see you’re ascertaining,
THIS MESSAGE IS FROM THE COUNCIL ON INDUSTRIAL DAMN TRAINING.  BITCH. 

Lunch from South of the Border.

LISTEN TO THE TACO RAP, LIVE!!!

I find tacos to be delish,
Tacos for lunch are a flavory dish.
Chicken tacos, beef tacos, veggie tacos, fish,
Rub the hard shell and make a taco-ey wish.

Maybe your taco is filled with cheese,
Maybe your taco starred in Thelma & Louise,
But here is one thing that I know to be right,
Sullenburger munched a taco while he landed his flight.

The process isn’t difficult,
Just bring the taco to your head.
Lindsey Lohan once ate hotdogs,
but eats tacos now instead.

Your taco might be hot,
Your taco might be mild,
Your taco might make a cameo
On Cancun Girls Gone Wild.

Your taco should be served,
With the right amount of spice.
You can get one from a street corner
But at a VERY hefty price.

To summarize my story: Tacos are a treat.
Do not get your taco from the corner of the street.
Free tacos are the best, but if you must, spend some dinero.
Eating tacos in a crisis will make you a US hero.

Eat tacos at your desk,
in your bed, or on the floor.
Something tells me we're not talking about tacos anymore.

Light Dawns on Marble Hog.

My mom signed up for an art class a little while ago; she thought it would be a fun and creative way to spend a night out of the house during the week.   One of the class assignments was to paint a nautical scene onto a wind-chime, and since my mom loves Lighthouses, she was really excited about this project.   The problem, it appears, is that my mom hasn't actually ever seen a Lighthouse.  Evidently, though, she has seen quite a few striped sea-sausages in her day.  (Sorry, Dad.)

It's Not Always All About You.

Twenty two years ago today, Baby Jessica McClure was rescued from the well she had been trapped in for 58 long hours. We've all seen the "Where-Is-She-Now?" special, but has anyone ever stopped to ask where the well is now??  I did. And over the course of a 2-hour Hungry-Man dinner, this is what he said:

LISTEN TO THE WELL'S STORY, LIVE!!!

October 14, ‘87, started out okay, just your average morning,baby Jessica comes out to play. But she didn’t want her toys, or her cabbage patch kid doll, instead she felt like going for a 22-foot fall. People worried about that baby, when they heard she fell, but no one asked how I was feeling, Cuz I’m just the “stupid well.” But let’s get something straight here folks, I’m not the one to blame. Jumping down a well is a VERY RECKLESS GAME! I tried to keep her comfortable, all she did was cry and complain, I sang her some new hip hop songs, like Raw by Big Daddy Kane. But when the whole ordeal was over, It was all about Baby J. You don’t see Old Welly in a Michael Jackson video, or being interviewed on “Today.” A lot of time has passed now, 22 years to be exact, since I was in the media spotlight, and became a historical fact. I’m not looking for any money, my compassion has no price, and I’m not one to ask for much, but a Thank You would be nice. Bitch.

A Poem for People Born Before 1981.

Since Kenny Loggins' house can only hold so many people, and most of you didn't make the cut, I wrote a poem about what the Live-Aid Concert After Party was like.  Just click on the link and close your eyes to be transported back to that magical night. 

LISTEN TO THE LIVE-AID AFTER PARTY RECAP!!

July thirteenth, nineteen eighty five, Pop singers tell Ethiopians: ‘Just try to stay alive!’
Late night at Kenny Loggins house and everyone's invited,
The Pointer Sisters are the most visibly excited.

Here's a list of people, in the order they appeared,
Who stopped by Kenny's house and paid a tribute to his beard.
Crosby Stills and Nash, are first upon the scene,
Billy Ocean's in the shower singing Carribbean Queen.
People are so happy that Peter Mayhew's in the house,
He gets a lot of compliments on his furry Chewy blouse.
The Cars are always paranoid about you getting home alright,
Tom Selleck and John Oates, mustache battle through the night!
Doctor Who is really busy, scaring people in the cellar,
Then theres a cameo appearance by a cold dead Helen Keller!
R.E.O. Speedwagon is trying to fight that feeling,
Lionel Richie spills his drink while he is dancing on the ceiling.
Marilyn McCoo shows up after her shift on Solid Gold,
Freddy Mercury doesn't feel so great, ehh, it's probably just a cold.