Monday, November 30, 2009

Use Protection, Bitches.

In this time of giving thanks, my wise friend Rachael Ziminsky suggested I flex my philanthropic muscle, give back to the community, and provide people with a rap that is informational, didactic, and can not be stolen from the Indians by big selfish Puritan Separatist jerks.  Hmmmph!

LISTEN TO THE SAFETY RAP, LIVE!

Now this is a rap to make you aware,
There are more than just a few big dangers out there.
Just when you think you’re as safe as can be
You step off a cliff and it’s R.I.P.


Now a safety harness is a surefire way

To keep you alive almost every day.
Just as you find yourself falling through space,
Your harness screams: “HEY GRAVITY, IN YO FACE!”


So maybe you’re a mess and you’re falling on the regs,

You'll want the Full Body Harness with the Grommetted Legs.
But maybe you’re cautious, barely falling down,
I’d recommend the flex harness, perhaps in chestnut brown?  BREAK IT DOWN…..


B.A. Baracus wore a harness to work.

Steve Martin wore a harness while filming the Jerk.
Don’t feel like rocking your harness on the street?
If Rodney King wore his harness then he wouldn’ta got BEAT.  (Not true, not true....)

There is one main component that I think you oughta know,
It’s gonna save your ass from falling on the flo’,
The thing that makes your harness your ultimate protector,
Is the motherfucking steel, ANCHORAGE CONNECTOR!

Now put these together, and that’s really all it takes,

To keep you alive, regardless of the stakes.
Now that I'm done rapping I can see you’re ascertaining,
THIS MESSAGE IS FROM THE COUNCIL ON INDUSTRIAL DAMN TRAINING.  BITCH. 

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Lunch from South of the Border.



LISTEN TO THE TACO RAP, LIVE!!!

I find tacos to be delish,
Tacos for lunch are a flavory dish.
Chicken tacos, beef tacos, veggie tacos, fish,
Rub the hard shell and make a taco-ey wish.

Maybe your taco is filled with cheese,
Maybe your taco starred in Thelma & Louise,
But here is one thing that I know to be right,
Sullenburger munched a taco while he landed his flight.

The process isn’t difficult,
Just bring the taco to your head.
Lindsey Lohan once ate hotdogs,
but eats tacos now instead.

Your taco might be hot,
Your taco might be mild,
Your taco might make a cameo
On Cancun Girls Gone Wild.

Your taco should be served,
With the right amount of spice.
You can get one from a street corner
But at a VERY hefty price.

To summarize my story: Tacos are a treat.
Do not get your taco from the corner of the street.
Free tacos are the best, but if you must, spend some dinero.
Eating tacos in a crisis will make you a US hero.

Eat tacos at your desk,
in your bed, or on the floor.
Something tells me we're not talking about tacos anymore.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Light Dawns on Marble Hog.

My mom signed up for an art class a little while ago; she thought it would be a fun and creative way to spend a night out of the house during the week.   One of the class assignments was to paint a nautical scene onto a wind-chime, and since my mom loves Lighthouses, she was really excited about this project.   The problem, it appears, is that my mom hasn't actually ever seen a Lighthouse.  Evidently, though, she has seen quite a few striped sea-sausages in her day.  (Sorry, Dad.)



Friday, October 16, 2009

It's Not Always All About You.

Twenty two years ago today, Baby Jessica McClure was rescued from the well she had been trapped in for 58 long hours. We've all seen the "Where-Is-She-Now?" special, but has anyone ever stopped to ask where the well is now??  I did. And over the course of a 2-hour Hungry-Man dinner, this is what he said:

LISTEN TO THE WELL'S STORY, LIVE!!!


October 14, ‘87, started out okay, just your average morning,baby Jessica comes out to play. But she didn’t want her toys, or her cabbage patch kid doll, instead she felt like going for a 22-foot fall. People worried about that baby, when they heard she fell, but no one asked how I was feeling, Cuz I’m just the “stupid well.” But let’s get something straight here folks, I’m not the one to blame. Jumping down a well is a VERY RECKLESS GAME! I tried to keep her comfortable, all she did was cry and complain, I sang her some new hip hop songs, like Raw by Big Daddy Kane. But when the whole ordeal was over, It was all about Baby J. You don’t see Old Welly in a Michael Jackson video, or being interviewed on “Today.” A lot of time has passed now, 22 years to be exact, since I was in the media spotlight, and became a historical fact. I’m not looking for any money, my compassion has no price, and I’m not one to ask for much, but a Thank You would be nice. Bitch.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

A Poem for People Born Before 1981.

Since Kenny Loggins' house can only hold so many people, and most of you didn't make the cut, I wrote a poem about what the Live-Aid Concert After Party was like.  Just click on the link and close your eyes to be transported back to that magical night. 

LISTEN TO THE LIVE-AID AFTER PARTY RECAP!!


July thirteenth, nineteen eighty five, Pop singers tell Ethiopians: ‘Just try to stay alive!’
Late night at Kenny Loggins house and everyone's invited,
The Pointer Sisters are the most visibly excited.

Here's a list of people, in the order they appeared,
Who stopped by Kenny's house and paid a tribute to his beard.
Crosby Stills and Nash, are first upon the scene,
Billy Ocean's in the shower singing Carribbean Queen.
People are so happy that Peter Mayhew's in the house,
He gets a lot of compliments on his furry Chewy blouse.
The Cars are always paranoid about you getting home alright,
Tom Selleck and John Oates, mustache battle through the night!
Doctor Who is really busy, scaring people in the cellar,
Then theres a cameo appearance by a cold dead Helen Keller!

R.E.O. Speedwagon is trying to fight that feeling,
Lionel Richie spills his drink while he is dancing on the ceiling.
Marilyn McCoo shows up after her shift on Solid Gold,
Freddy Mercury doesn't feel so great, ehh, it's probably just a cold.


Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Life Advice, for Children.

Hello Kids.


Auntie Julie doesn't have time to help your idiot parents raise you correctly, so here are a few words of wisdom that you should heed, if you'd like to be part of the cool crowd and get through life unscathed.


You're welcome!

1.  Getting the heimlich maneuver in public makes you look like way more of an asshole than choking to death does, so play it cool.


2.  Bitchslaps are more insulting if you can make your hand whisper the word "bitchslap" in slow motion as it hits the other persons face.  This takes practice.


3.  If you have club feet, you should hire a full time caddy.  People will think that is funny, and make less fun of your obvious handicap.


4. Turtlenecks are never sexy. Even if it's sleeveless and your lower half is COMPLETELY exposed. Still not sexy.


5.  The White Horse Tavern does NOT serve heroin.  (Seriously, don't try to buy it there.  If you really need some, call me.  I promise I won't tell your parents.)


6.  Whether you like it or not, at some point in your life you'll zip your own skin into an article of clothing. Probably your feetie pajamas.


7.  While Thank You notes are definitely the more popular choice, Fuck You notes are far more effective.


8.  Dick Van Patten and Dick Van Dyke do not share genetics, but they DO share the good fortune of having been given that 3rd name. ("Dick Van" does create an interesting visual, though, don't you think?)


9.  There were 12 members in the Gang, not including Kool.


10. Even SPF 7039 can't protect you from an Indian Sunburn, so carry a firearm when possible, just in case.


11. Bloody Marys aren't just for breakfast.


12. Bald guys with beards could totally fool everyone into thinking they had hair if they just flipped their faces 180 degrees.  This won't help you for another 20 years.


13. Dudley Moore died in 2002. In case you were wondering why you cant find Arthur 3 on Hulu.


14. Terrence Trent D'Arby wrote "Wishing Well" about Baby Jessica McClure.


15. If you give your enemy the finger while wearing mittens, they'll probably just think you want a reverse high five! HELLO??!?  Friends again!!!


16. Juice Newton did HGH before it was cool.


17. If you fire a Chinese Throwing Star at someone, you're probably just going to want to eat some pineapple and then do it again an hour later. (That one's really bad, I know. I actually have some work to do, so lay off.)


18. Weight Watchers would be more effective if they changed their name to Weight Stalkers. This has nothing to do with you, I'm just saying.


19. Brach's could make some serious loot if they started selling Candy Corn on the Cob during the summer months.  (If you pitch them the idea, and they like it, I want a cut.)


20. Bellybuttons should be seen and not heard.


Okay kiddies, don't forget to eat your veggies!
XOXOXOXOXOXOX

Coffee Rap.



LISTEN TO THE COFFEE RAP, LIVE!


(Drums please…)

I love coffee, I think it’s grand, I go to the movies and I hold its hand.
Coffee tastes good, it’s a tasty treat, give me my coffee and you won’t get beat.


You say you know coffee, but no one believes ya, coffee tends to grow in Indonesia.
Some take it hot and some take it iced, I’ll take my coffee moderately priced.


If coffee was a car it would be a Ferrari, Tom Hanks drinks coffee with Peter Scolari.
Some people think it’s cool to just drink tea, but none of those people are friends with me, breakitdown!


Coffee might come in a number of flaves, but it keeps me alert when I’m robbing some graves.
You might spill coffee all over your lap, but just make another cup and cut the crap.


Coffee starts out as a miniature bean, grind that bitch up and you’ll see what I mean.
Honey Dew, Starbucks, or even the Dunk, if Titanic had some coffee then she wouldn’ta sunk. HO!


I been pounding coffee for mosta my life, OJ Simpson drank juice then murdered his wife.
You can get coffee all over the place, yo mommas so ugly cops arrested her face.

I guess what I’m sayin’ is coffees the best, give coffee a Sharpie to sign my chest.
I love coffee, and I think it’s great, I watch coffee porn and I…?  I....?  Ugh, mental block, I guess I’ll just finish this later, once I have had some more coffee.


MAYBE you'd like to watch the video?
Produced by John "Sauce" Saucier

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Hey Diddle Diddle Nursery School: When You're Too Busy to Molest Your Own Kids.

I wish I were kidding, but my parents actually sent me to "Hey Diddle Diddle Nursery School."  It was in Walpole Mass, in a church basement (obviously.)

Yesterday, I found my t-shirt from when I was a student there, so I put it on, took a picture and sent it to my Mom.   I have welts on my arms from where the sleeves cut into my skin, but she was sufficiently horrified so it was totally worth it.

FREE BIRTH CONTROL!

If I need to explain any further why I WON'T be attending the Allston Village Street Fair this year, or ever having children, then the image settings on your monitor need to be adjusted. I'm sure these are really sweet little girls, when they're not busy scaring the shit out of everyone.

Main Streets & Back Roads

"Drummey, Julie" To: chronicle@thebostonchannel.com
cc: (WCVB-TV/Broadcasting/Hearst)
Subject: Chronicle Opening
11:43 AM

Dear Chronicle,
In the opening segment of Chronicle, does Mike Barnicle REALLY have coffee in the mug that the waitress brings him?? Because he jerks the mug from the waitress really fast, and I think he'd have scalding hot coffee dripping off of his face if there were actually coffee in that mug.

Please let me know as soon as possible.

Thank you,
Julie L. Drummey


From: XXXXXX XXXXXXXXX
Sent: 4:56 PM
To: Drummey, Julie
Subject: Re: Chronicle Opening

Hi Julie,
Truth is, I was on that shoot, and I honestly don't remember. We did take after take on that shot; perhaps Mike had drained the cup by the time we got to that shot. I will admit, though, that it looks as though the cup is empty.
___________________________________
Here's my next question to Chronicle:

Dear Chronicle,

Is Brigham's "Chronicle Crunch" Ice-Cream supposed to have chunks of Peter Mehegan in it? Because I'm pretty sure mine did.

Please let me know. Photobucket

Thursday, September 10, 2009

HELLO, I'M STARTING A BLOG. AND I'M SCREAMING.

Even though I know in my heart that I invented what would eventually become the Snuggie back in 2005, I didn't do anything to make it a reality, so I have no one to blame but myself for the sweet vacation home and kick-ass life that I don't have.

Recently, however, the geniuses at Snuggie (and I mean that sincerely, the Snuggie is truly a genius concept, I should know, I came up with it) have launched a new line of 'Designer Print' Snuggies, including: Zebra Print, Leopard Print, and Camel Print ('Camel' isn't a print, I know, but I'll let it slide.)

*Note how racy the Leopard Snuggie is!  MEEE-YOW.
Designer Print Snuggies

It's a good start, but here are some other prints that I propose they consider:
 
1. The Snuggie of Turin
Photobucket

2. Vitiligo Print Snuggie
Photobucket
3. World Champion Blood-Stained Sockggie
Photobucket

4. Stoltzggie Print

Photobucket


5. Small Pox Snuggie
Photobucket

Okay, time for a snack.