Life Advice, for Children.

Hello Kids.


Auntie Julie doesn't have time to help your idiot parents raise you correctly, so here are a few words of wisdom that you should heed, if you'd like to be part of the cool crowd and get through life unscathed.


You're welcome!

1.  Getting the heimlich maneuver in public makes you look like way more of an asshole than choking to death does, so play it cool.


2.  Bitchslaps are more insulting if you can make your hand whisper the word "bitchslap" in slow motion as it hits the other persons face.  This takes practice.


3.  If you have club feet, you should hire a full time caddy.  People will think that is funny, and make less fun of your obvious handicap.


4. Turtlenecks are never sexy. Even if it's sleeveless and your lower half is COMPLETELY exposed. Still not sexy.


5.  The White Horse Tavern does NOT serve heroin.  (Seriously, don't try to buy it there.  If you really need some, call me.  I promise I won't tell your parents.)


6.  Whether you like it or not, at some point in your life you'll zip your own skin into an article of clothing. Probably your feetie pajamas.


7.  While Thank You notes are definitely the more popular choice, Fuck You notes are far more effective.


8.  Dick Van Patten and Dick Van Dyke do not share genetics, but they DO share the good fortune of having been given that 3rd name. ("Dick Van" does create an interesting visual, though, don't you think?)


9.  There were 12 members in the Gang, not including Kool.


10. Even SPF 7039 can't protect you from an Indian Sunburn, so carry a firearm when possible, just in case.


11. Bloody Marys aren't just for breakfast.


12. Bald guys with beards could totally fool everyone into thinking they had hair if they just flipped their faces 180 degrees.  This won't help you for another 20 years.


13. Dudley Moore died in 2002. In case you were wondering why you cant find Arthur 3 on Hulu.


14. Terrence Trent D'Arby wrote "Wishing Well" about Baby Jessica McClure.


15. If you give your enemy the finger while wearing mittens, they'll probably just think you want a reverse high five! HELLO??!?  Friends again!!!


16. Juice Newton did HGH before it was cool.


17. If you fire a Chinese Throwing Star at someone, you're probably just going to want to eat some pineapple and then do it again an hour later. (That one's really bad, I know. I actually have some work to do, so lay off.)


18. Weight Watchers would be more effective if they changed their name to Weight Stalkers. This has nothing to do with you, I'm just saying.


19. Brach's could make some serious loot if they started selling Candy Corn on the Cob during the summer months.  (If you pitch them the idea, and they like it, I want a cut.)


20. Bellybuttons should be seen and not heard.


Okay kiddies, don't forget to eat your veggies!
XOXOXOXOXOXOX