Life Advice, for Children.

Hello Kids.


Auntie Julie doesn't have time to help your idiot parents raise you correctly, so here are a few words of wisdom that you should heed, if you'd like to be part of the cool crowd and get through life unscathed.


You're welcome!

1.  Getting the heimlich maneuver in public makes you look like way more of an asshole than choking to death does, so play it cool.


2.  Bitchslaps are more insulting if you can make your hand whisper the word "bitchslap" in slow motion as it hits the other persons face.  This takes practice.


3.  If you have club feet, you should hire a full time caddy.  People will think that is funny, and make less fun of your obvious handicap.


4. Turtlenecks are never sexy. Even if it's sleeveless and your lower half is COMPLETELY exposed. Still not sexy.


5.  The White Horse Tavern does NOT serve heroin.  (Seriously, don't try to buy it there.  If you really need some, call me.  I promise I won't tell your parents.)


6.  Whether you like it or not, at some point in your life you'll zip your own skin into an article of clothing. Probably your feetie pajamas.


7.  While Thank You notes are definitely the more popular choice, Fuck You notes are far more effective.


8.  Dick Van Patten and Dick Van Dyke do not share genetics, but they DO share the good fortune of having been given that 3rd name. ("Dick Van" does create an interesting visual, though, don't you think?)


9.  There were 12 members in the Gang, not including Kool.


10. Even SPF 7039 can't protect you from an Indian Sunburn, so carry a firearm when possible, just in case.


11. Bloody Marys aren't just for breakfast.


12. Bald guys with beards could totally fool everyone into thinking they had hair if they just flipped their faces 180 degrees.  This won't help you for another 20 years.


13. Dudley Moore died in 2002. In case you were wondering why you cant find Arthur 3 on Hulu.


14. Terrence Trent D'Arby wrote "Wishing Well" about Baby Jessica McClure.


15. If you give your enemy the finger while wearing mittens, they'll probably just think you want a reverse high five! HELLO??!?  Friends again!!!


16. Juice Newton did HGH before it was cool.


17. If you fire a Chinese Throwing Star at someone, you're probably just going to want to eat some pineapple and then do it again an hour later. (That one's really bad, I know. I actually have some work to do, so lay off.)


18. Weight Watchers would be more effective if they changed their name to Weight Stalkers. This has nothing to do with you, I'm just saying.


19. Brach's could make some serious loot if they started selling Candy Corn on the Cob during the summer months.  (If you pitch them the idea, and they like it, I want a cut.)


20. Bellybuttons should be seen and not heard.


Okay kiddies, don't forget to eat your veggies!
XOXOXOXOXOXOX

Coffee Rap.

LISTEN TO THE COFFEE RAP, LIVE!


(Drums please…)

I love coffee, I think it’s grand, I go to the movies and I hold its hand.
Coffee tastes good, it’s a tasty treat, give me my coffee and you won’t get beat.


You say you know coffee, but no one believes ya, coffee tends to grow in Indonesia.
Some take it hot and some take it iced, I’ll take my coffee moderately priced.


If coffee was a car it would be a Ferrari, Tom Hanks drinks coffee with Peter Scolari.
Some people think it’s cool to just drink tea, but none of those people are friends with me, breakitdown!


Coffee might come in a number of flaves, but it keeps me alert when I’m robbing some graves.
You might spill coffee all over your lap, but just make another cup and cut the crap.


Coffee starts out as a miniature bean, grind that bitch up and you’ll see what I mean.
Honey Dew, Starbucks, or even the Dunk, if Titanic had some coffee then she wouldn’ta sunk. HO!


I been pounding coffee for mosta my life, OJ Simpson drank juice then murdered his wife.
You can get coffee all over the place, yo mommas so ugly cops arrested her face.

I guess what I’m sayin’ is coffees the best, give coffee a Sharpie to sign my chest.
I love coffee, and I think it’s great, I watch coffee porn and I…?  I....?  Ugh, mental block, I guess I’ll just finish this later, once I have had some more coffee.


MAYBE you'd like to watch the video?
Produced by John "Sauce" Saucier

Hey Diddle Diddle Nursery School: When You're Too Busy to Molest Your Own Kids.

I wish I were kidding, but my parents actually sent me to "Hey Diddle Diddle Nursery School."  It was in Walpole Mass, in a church basement (obviously.)

Yesterday, I found my t-shirt from when I was a student there, so I put it on, took a picture and sent it to my Mom.   I have welts on my arms from where the sleeves cut into my skin, but she was sufficiently horrified so it was totally worth it.

FREE BIRTH CONTROL!

If I need to explain any further why I WON'T be attending the Allston Village Street Fair this year, or ever having children, then the image settings on your monitor need to be adjusted. I'm sure these are really sweet little girls, when they're not busy scaring the shit out of everyone.

Main Streets & Back Roads

"Drummey, Julie" To: chronicle@thebostonchannel.com
cc: (WCVB-TV/Broadcasting/Hearst)
Subject: Chronicle Opening
11:43 AM

Dear Chronicle,
In the opening segment of Chronicle, does Mike Barnicle REALLY have coffee in the mug that the waitress brings him?? Because he jerks the mug from the waitress really fast, and I think he'd have scalding hot coffee dripping off of his face if there were actually coffee in that mug.

Please let me know as soon as possible.

Thank you,
Julie L. Drummey


From: XXXXXX XXXXXXXXX
Sent: 4:56 PM
To: Drummey, Julie
Subject: Re: Chronicle Opening

Hi Julie,
Truth is, I was on that shoot, and I honestly don't remember. We did take after take on that shot; perhaps Mike had drained the cup by the time we got to that shot. I will admit, though, that it looks as though the cup is empty.
___________________________________
Here's my next question to Chronicle:

Dear Chronicle,

Is Brigham's "Chronicle Crunch" Ice-Cream supposed to have chunks of Peter Mehegan in it? Because I'm pretty sure mine did.

Please let me know.

HELLO, I'M STARTING A BLOG. AND I'M SCREAMING.

Even though I know in my heart that I invented what would eventually become the Snuggie back in 2005, I didn't do anything to make it a reality, so I have no one to blame but myself for the sweet vacation home and kick-ass life that I don't have.

Recently, however, the geniuses at Snuggie (and I mean that sincerely, the Snuggie is truly a genius concept, I should know, I came up with it) have launched a new line of 'Designer Print' Snuggies, including: Zebra Print, Leopard Print, and Camel Print ('Camel' isn't a print, I know, but I'll let it slide.)

*Note how racy the Leopard Snuggie is!  MEEE-YOW.
Designer Print Snuggies

It's a good start, but here are some other prints that I propose they consider:
 
1. The Snuggie of Turin


2. Vitiligo Print Snuggie

3. World Champion Blood-Stained Sockggie


4. Stoltzggie Print



5. Small Pox Snuggie


Okay, time for a snack.